UNDER THE RAIN by Michael Blen

                        The rain is pouring heavily,  almost like a waterfall.  I’m wet all over,  and yet I’m standing here,  unmoving.  It’s like the time suddenly stopped,  and my drenched body froze in it’s tracks…

           

            This morning,  I woke up to see the sun gently imparting its first few rays. I got up unusually early. Then I remembered I cried my self to sleep last night. I saw my special friend with another guy, having lunch at the cafeteria yesterday. I know that the real man should never cry because of some girl who broke his heart. But I wept. Maybe I was hurt. Never mind. I rose up, washed my face and went down with my usual morning routine. When I was about to leave, My mom asked me if I cried last night. I said no, and hurriedly went outside.

            

       While I was riding a jeepney, I thought about what I am going to tell her, should I confront her, or should I wait until I have enough evidence? I stopped thinking about it when I finally arrived  at school.

           

         She was the first one I saw inside the room.  I waved at her to smile a bit. She waved back, and smiled. Ahhh, that smile. I was struck again by that fascinating grin, that same alluring smirk that made me fall for her in the first place. I was dumb founded.

                 

    Lunchtime. I was glad to see her alone. I swore I would punch the guy straight in the eye if I see him with her again. I quietly approached her. I wanted to surprise her, but she readily found me. I was about to asked her what she wanted to eat  when she abruptly told me if I could just drop by their house after classes she left me with a tap on the shoulder, and a problem in Physic. I asked myself again for the million time. Alas, Is this my Fate; a mere problem solver?

           

            While going through my afternoon classes,  I again thought what would I say to her in her place.  I baffled an assortment of thoughts that made my confused mind ache.  I was relieved when the final bell for the whole school day rung.  But I suddenly got nervous.  I looked at the dark gray clouds looming over the horizon.  It was about to rain.

                       

I slowly took the steps to their house,  my heart pounding furiously.  I didn’t know what to do.  My mind was clouded with anxiety.  Timidness suddenly struck me.  But I was determined.  I found the front door open so I barged in,  not knowing what to expect.

            There she is,  sitting comfortably on the lap of a guy who had lunch with her yesterday.  I was filled with resentment.  I went closer and punch him straight in the eye.  She tried to stop me but I already made my blow.  She pulled me outside,  telling the other guy to calm down.  She screamed at me,  swore at me,          

ask me such a thing.  I shot back at her,  told her that I love her,  and that I was jealous.  She bellowed,  telling me that she didn’t love me,  that she liked me only as a friend,  no more,  no less.  I was thunderstruck.

                       

Now I’m here,  standing still,  breathless.  I was stunned.  The rain is gushing heavily on my motionless frame,  the cold gust of wind slowly eating through my nonchalant form.  I don’t care.  I am heartbroken.

*Credit goes to my high school ally, Michael Anthony Blen, from Imus Institute.

A year had gone fast..

It has been a year. On this very same day, December 24 (2011, around 4 AM), Nanay had a heart attack. And yes, it was almost Christmas. She had a battle with Arrhythmia for about 2 years. Though, it wasn't determined as arrhythmia until that December 24th incident. Arrhythmia is the irregular beating of the heart. It could be too fast, like palpitations, or too slow.

First attack was mid-June of 2010.  Back then, what happened was she fainted and after a good 50 seconds she woke up. She was rushed to the hospital because this is the first time it happened. We are not used to her getting sick. She has always been working, working everywhere. She spent 3 or 4 days in the hospital. It was the first time i saw her weak. Several apparatus were connected to her body. I remember the first night in the hospital, i never took my eyes from the electrocardiogram to make sure that the heart rate is stable or at least her heart was beating. In the hospital, several tests were done, again and again. We never got any specific or considerable result. Doctors would explain the cause of the incident but they weren't able to prove it through lab results. 2D echo were normal, heart not enlarged, blood test were all okay as well.

Due to this, i never thought that it was a serious case, thinking it was due to stress and lack of sleep. My thinking changed when it happened again. From time to time she will faint and will have hard time breathing. We went to another hospital to have her check and do another Lab Test. We had her TSH, T3, and T4 tested (Test concerning thyroid glands). Results were all normal. The doctor suggested a Holter Test but we weren't able to do this because the attack was very sporadic. (Holter Test is a 24-48 hour of

Continuously heart beat monitoring). She was taking Maintenance Medicine though (Cordarone, and the like).

It was almost normal to us that she will faint and will regain her consciousness after few minutes. It

got worse after a year. About June of 2011, she fainted again and that attack resulted to a mild stroke. She was confined in another hospital (this was the third hospital already). There she had her permanent cardio and neuro doctors that we were seeing for check-up. Several tests were done to her again; Xray, Blood test, CT Scan. To no avail, still we got normal range results. Up until this point, we weren't able to determine the exact illness. Her neurologist advised us that it could be epilepsy because it has somehow, have the same symptoms. He explained that what was happening was there will be blood clot in the brain. Due to this, it was blocking the oxygen that caused her to faint. After few second the blood will melt then she'll regain consciousness. Neurologist also requested for MRI, but the said test was not available in our place.  After 5 days, i can’t remember the exact number of days, she went home.

Due to this, there were several important family matters or gatherings that she missed; the wedding of ate Liz, travels, and Mimi's first ever school day. There had always been a fear in her that she won’t wake up from sleep. And it so happened.

December 24 of last year, she didn't wake up. In the hospital, we got 0 BP, a flat line. She was revived and was in state of coma for 24 days. Normal people will have a GCS (Glasglow Coma Scale) of 15 (able to walk, talk, do normal things). She was at down level 5. She was confined in ICU cause of her condition. The following days, her progress will be up and down. GCS will go up to 7 then will be at 5 again, she always has fever, her oxygenation will be reduced to 50% then up again, she had shallow breathing, and all the small things that you can think of. The biggest accomplishment we got was that she opened her eyes. Her eyes were opened but no contact. She could hear though. We communicate to her through her blinking. We would usually talk to her, and she'll blink twice if yes, once if no. Often times, a tear would fall. Nurses would say that it is normal for her eyes to get wet but we consider it that she's crying. The cardiologist did Tracheostomy (January 2) to reduce the chance of her getting infections from the anti-bodies. A lot of tests were done over and over at the same time. There were days that she showed a good sign of hope; increased sensorium, lower dopamine usage. However, there were even more days that she was non-responsive and her vitals are fluctuating.

We spent the holidays in the ICU. Christmas, New year, Three kings.. It ended January 16^th of 2012. Around 12:30 AM of January 16^th, we had another flat line. She suddenly stopped breathing like she was so tired already. Then I turned 24 years old on that same time.

We knew from Day 1 that we had the least hope that you can expect. Doctors were very honest about her condition. It was a choice of life and death. But we didn't give up because family does not give up on each other. We continued the medication and get all the hope that we can get. Whatever results, we will get out of that hospital with a thought on our mind that we did everything we can.

On the night of 24^th, I gave up everything I can give. I pleaded to the Lord to take away all that he can take. But he didn’t.

If I’m going to relive the moment on that disheartening incident, I would not change a thing. I am very thankful to those people who stayed by our family during those unfavourable times.

To the doctors of the hospital who had been very aggressive with the treatment, who patiently explained what was happening and was very honest from day1, the ICU nurses who was very thoughtful and warm,  who became a family during the trying times, who took good care of Nanay and taught me on how to use the apparatuses, THANK YOU.

I would like to say thank you to those people who went to the hospital. To all the family friends and neighbours, who even cried more than I did, to my Shepherdine friends, Officemates who travel all the way to the South to visit me, THANK YOU.

Thank you to Nanay’s friends who helped and support us financially. OLAANs and college friends, Thank you. I won’t be able to name all of you but I hope you know who you guys are. Maraming Salamat po. Walang pagsidlan ang aming taos pusong pasasalamat sa lahat ng tulong at suporta nyo.

To my family, thanks for sticking around. And to you, for always being with me. Salamat.

I don’t know how I would be able to get through it without those people who’ve helped me and push me through. They provided moral support for me to be strong. Also, thank you for helping me pay way more than half a million bill. May God give it back to you a thousand folds.

Writing this wasn’t easy; it was like reliving that night. I just wanted to share to you people how short life is. It may be as short as a day spent with someone or as short as a dream that you won’t wake up anymore. Like what I said on the funeral, all we have to do is MAC; MOURN – cause we lost someone that meant the world to us, ACCEPT – cause we can’t do anything about it and that nothing is permanent, CELEBRATE – cause she doesn’t have to bear with the pain anymore and she is at peace. Nevertheless, life has to go on.

Roma Lenn Altez Almendras

12.24.2012

(Entry may be edited sometime soon when I get the strength and chance to write about it again.)